Episode 62
Are You Focusing On The Wrong Solution?
Sometimes the behaviors we focus on changing aren't the real problem. Discover how identifying and addressing the real underlying issues can lead to more effective and lasting solutions.
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Transcript
Have you ever found yourself trying to make a change that you knew
Stephen Box:could have a bigger impact on you?
Stephen Box:Say, for example, cutting back on soda, or getting to bed a little
Stephen Box:earlier, or being cognizant about the way that you react to things.
Stephen Box:But despite knowing what you need to do, you find it very hard to actually do it.
Stephen Box:And I want to throw something out for you.
Stephen Box:What if the reason you're struggling It's because you're actually
Stephen Box:focusing on the wrong thing.
Stephen Box:That's what today's episode is going to be about.
Stephen Box:Welcome to Unshakeable Habits.
Stephen Box:I am your host, board certified health and wellness coach and
Stephen Box:habit implementation specialist.
Stephen Box:And this is the podcast dedicated to helping you discover how to build simple,
Stephen Box:sustainable habits that boost your energy and productivity so that you can start
Stephen Box:to show up in five key areas of life.
Stephen Box:Health, relationships, mindset, faith, and professional and personal growth.
Stephen Box:Time to take your habits from unsustainable to unshakable.
Stephen Box:So guys, like I said, today we're going to be talking about Are you maybe, just
Stephen Box:possibly, focusing on the wrong thing?
Stephen Box:Do you think that you need to change something?
Stephen Box:It isn't really the problem and this came from a conversation I
Stephen Box:had with someone the other day.
Stephen Box:They were saying how They know that their habit they need to work on is drinking
Stephen Box:less soda And you guys may have heard me say this before but here is the reality
Stephen Box:of the situation Every behavior exists for one or two purposes Number one is an
Stephen Box:expression of who we are and I don't think anybody's drinking soda as an expression
Stephen Box:of who they are You And the other one is that it's an attempt to solve a problem.
Stephen Box:And it doesn't matter if it's the best solution or not, it's what we do.
Stephen Box:Now, when you think about soda, what is the main thing the
Stephen Box:soda is going to solve for you?
Stephen Box:And this person even acknowledged, yes, it is an energy issue.
Stephen Box:I drink soda because it gives me energy.
Stephen Box:And the more we started talking, The more it was well, the reason I
Stephen Box:don't have energy is because maybe I'm not sleeping as well as I could.
Stephen Box:I'm not eating very much when I'm at work because I'm so busy and so a lot of
Stephen Box:times I'm just grabbing something really quick and so I really need the energy.
Stephen Box:So the problem for them wasn't really that they needed to drink less soda.
Stephen Box:It was an energy issue so maybe they need to get more consistent with exercise.
Stephen Box:And start kind of building up their energy that way.
Stephen Box:Maybe they need to focus on getting more sleep.
Stephen Box:Maybe they need to focus on getting higher quality nutrients into their day.
Stephen Box:Or maybe they just need to be able to plan to have food more readily
Stephen Box:available that they can eat at work.
Stephen Box:That's going to give them that energy throughout the day.
Stephen Box:So that way they're not reaching for those sodas.
Stephen Box:And the thing is I don't know specifically all of their details.
Stephen Box:This wasn't a client.
Stephen Box:This was just somebody I was having a conversation with.
Stephen Box:So I don't know all the details.
Stephen Box:I don't know specifically which one of those things they might need to work on.
Stephen Box:But I'm just kind of sharing this story because I want you guys to see
Stephen Box:that a lot of times we get so focused on trying to fix a certain thing.
Stephen Box:And we're struggling to fix it, and we don't understand the why.
Stephen Box:And the why here is actually quite simple.
Stephen Box:Because if your behavior is solving a problem for you, and you're trying to
Stephen Box:take away the solution to the problem, your brain is going to fight you
Stephen Box:every single step of the way, right?
Stephen Box:Because your brain's like, hey, we have a problem.
Stephen Box:We need a solution for it, we have a solution, just because you don't like it,
Stephen Box:right, just because it's causing you to put on a few extra pounds, just because
Stephen Box:it's maybe creating some other issues for you is irrelevant, because it's keeping
Stephen Box:us going, right, because that's what your brain cares about, your brain cares
Stephen Box:about keeping you alive, which means you need to be alert, unless it's time to
Stephen Box:go to bed, and so, Your brain, in this instance of using the energy example,
Stephen Box:is going, Hey, we need that caffeine.
Stephen Box:We need that sugar rush in order to stay active and stay alert.
Stephen Box:So, without fixing the underlying energy issue, this person is never
Stephen Box:going to be able to give up that soda.
Stephen Box:Right?
Stephen Box:I mean, they could maybe force themselves to do it, but then
Stephen Box:they're just going to be tired.
Stephen Box:And then what's going to happen?
Stephen Box:They'll either go back to the soda, or they'll find another coping mechanism
Stephen Box:that may be just as bad as the soda potentially and so that's really the
Stephen Box:crux of this idea is that we have to come up with a solution right we have to
Stephen Box:understand the problem that our behavior actually solves for us and then we have
Stephen Box:to understand what are the other ways I can solve that problem right because if
Stephen Box:you do not take care of that aspect of it You're going to continue to have issues.
Stephen Box:I mean, we can look at this in a lot of different ways.
Stephen Box:So, for example, and by the way, just really quick to share this.
Stephen Box:This is why I always talk about the idea of synergy, right?
Stephen Box:This is why I talk about synergistic.
Stephen Box:Self improvement.
Stephen Box:Because if you are only looking at things one aspect at a time, and
Stephen Box:you're missing the impact that multiple areas have on one another, you will
Stephen Box:completely miss this whole idea.
Stephen Box:Right?
Stephen Box:Because like I said, with the energy thing, it could be sleep, it could be
Stephen Box:nutrition, it could be exercise, it could be that they're exercising too much, it
Stephen Box:could be that they're not eating enough of the right foods, it could be that they're
Stephen Box:eating too much of the wrong foods.
Stephen Box:Right?
Stephen Box:It could be that they're eating foods at the wrong time and
Stephen Box:it's disrupting their sleep.
Stephen Box:They're exercising at the wrong time and it's disrupting their sleep.
Stephen Box:There's so many different things that can have an impact on those and
Stephen Box:they're all interrelated to each other.
Stephen Box:So that's why it's so important to be able to take this holistic approach.
Stephen Box:In Viewpoint, when we're trying to solve these problems, as opposed
Stephen Box:to just focusing on one single thing, Oh, I want to lose weight.
Stephen Box:I need to cut calories.
Stephen Box:Soda has calories.
Stephen Box:Let me cut that out, right?
Stephen Box:Because that's not really going to solve the problem.
Stephen Box:It might help with, with weight loss, if you can actually manage to do it.
Stephen Box:There's other ways to lose weight other than just cutting out soda, right?
Stephen Box:So that's really kind of where I wanted to point this out.
Stephen Box:So to give you some other examples of where this might come.
Stephen Box:I had a client once who, every time he would get off work,
Stephen Box:had like a two hour drive home.
Stephen Box:And he'd get home, and the minute he walked in the door, his wife who's been
Stephen Box:with the kids all day about to lose her freaking mind, just so desperately wants
Stephen Box:to have a conversation with another adult.
Stephen Box:that she just bombards him with everything that's going on that day.
Stephen Box:And his kids, who have been, you know, bouncing all over the
Stephen Box:place, are so excited to see dad.
Stephen Box:that they run up to him and they want to talk to him.
Stephen Box:They want to tell him everything.
Stephen Box:So this, this guy who just got through this two hour car drive, stress
Stephen Box:levels are like to the max, is now walking into the house and suddenly,
Stephen Box:suddenly being bombarded by everybody.
Stephen Box:And his thought process was, I just need to tell my family.
Stephen Box:I need to be able to have that conversation.
Stephen Box:This is what he came to me and said.
Stephen Box:He goes, I need you to help me figure out how to have this conversation.
Stephen Box:With my wife and kids and let them know that I just need a little bit of time,
Stephen Box:like not much, if I could just have even two or three minutes, honestly,
Stephen Box:would be enough for me to be able to just kind of unwind and just kind of,
Stephen Box:you know, just get home, get settled in.
Stephen Box:And I told her, I said, listen, I'm going to be honest with you here, man.
Stephen Box:I don't think there's a way you can have this conversation
Stephen Box:with your wife or your kids.
Stephen Box:And then not be a problem, right?
Stephen Box:So we started looking at it.
Stephen Box:We said, okay, what are what's the underlying problem?
Stephen Box:What is this behavior that you're exhibiting, right?
Stephen Box:This, this frustration that you're having this desire to lash out because I, I
Stephen Box:might've left that part out, but that's what usually would end up happening
Stephen Box:is he would kind of lash out out of frustration that he wasn't getting that
Stephen Box:time and that no one, no one seemed to respect the fact he had been at
Stephen Box:work all day and just drove two hours.
Stephen Box:And I said, what, what is this behavior that you're exhibiting
Stephen Box:accomplishing for you, right?
Stephen Box:You feel like it's setting a boundary.
Stephen Box:That's, that's what he said.
Stephen Box:And the reality is, the real problem it was solving was, it was a stress reliever.
Stephen Box:You had a lot of stress.
Stephen Box:That eruption.
Stephen Box:was just your body's way of getting rid of that stress.
Stephen Box:I said, so if we can find a way to get you some stress relief
Stephen Box:beforehand, maybe we can remove that.
Stephen Box:So we came up with a very, very simple game plan, guys.
Stephen Box:When I tell you this, you're gonna be like, wow, that is ridiculously simple.
Stephen Box:He had a place he could pull in, uh, down the street from his house before
Stephen Box:he got, before he actually got home.
Stephen Box:Just, it was like maybe, you know, two, three minutes from the house.
Stephen Box:Pulled over and he just put on a song that he really enjoyed and took a couple
Stephen Box:deep breaths and really just got into the song and allowed that stress to melt away.
Stephen Box:And then he got, you know, started the car back up, drove home, or I guess he
Stephen Box:left the car running, and drove home.
Stephen Box:And when he walked in the door, he didn't have that stress buildup anymore.
Stephen Box:It was gone because he had already released it.
Stephen Box:And so the moment he walked in the door, he was able to have the
Stephen Box:joy of his kids running to him.
Stephen Box:He was able to be present and hear his wife talking to him.
Stephen Box:And it just was a better situation for everyone involved, where he thought
Stephen Box:he needed to set boundaries and have these difficult conversations.
Stephen Box:All he really needed to do was take two or three minutes out to listen
Stephen Box:to some music and take a couple of breaths before going all the way home.
Stephen Box:And he could have probably stopped in the driveway and
Stephen Box:did it if he wanted to, right?
Stephen Box:But that's the point, is that a lot of times we get so focused on the one thing
Stephen Box:that we think we have to do, the thing that we think is going to be the solution.
Stephen Box:But it's not the real solution because what we're doing is
Stephen Box:we're solving the wrong problem.
Stephen Box:Hope you guys found a lot of great value in that today.
Stephen Box:If you did, I would really appreciate if you could leave us a review and
Stephen Box:I'll drop a link in the show notes for all the places you could go do that
Stephen Box:on Spotify, on Apple, on Podchaser.
Stephen Box:That would really mean a lot to me if you guys could do that for me.
Stephen Box:And of course, if you have any questions or you just want some help
Stephen Box:with creating these Unshakable Habits in your life so that you can take
Stephen Box:back control of your schedule, you can head over to UnshakableHabits.
Stephen Box:com and schedule a free roadmap call today.
Stephen Box:And I will be glad to walk you through the process and show you
Stephen Box:how we can help you to do that.
Stephen Box:So next week, we are going to be changing the format just a little bit.
Stephen Box:And you're going to be seeing more short episodes like this.
Stephen Box:The plan is to do them daily, Monday through Friday.
Stephen Box:And I'm excited to share with you that next week we're
Stephen Box:going to have a special guest.
Stephen Box:And we're going to be talking all about what to do if you find yourself always
Stephen Box:busy, always doing all the things, yet.
Stephen Box:Also finding yourself always feeling behind, always feeling
Stephen Box:like you just can't get caught up.
Stephen Box:I'm going to have a special guest, Christine Jewell, the author of Drop
Stephen Box:the Armor, is going to be with us all week long talking about that.
Stephen Box:So make sure you guys are following and subscribed to the podcast.
Stephen Box:It is 100 percent free to do that, and that way you do not miss an episode.
Stephen Box:So guys, until next time, I want to remind you, as always, That while
Stephen Box:none of us are born unshakable, we can all become unshakable.