3 Strategies For Saying No - Without Offending People

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Do you find it challenging to tell people no?

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With today's episode of Unshakable Habits, I'm going to teach you not

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only how to say no, but I'm going to teach you how to do it without sounding

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like a jerk or disappointing anyone.

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That's coming up next.

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The right habits can help you have it all.

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More time, better health, improved relationships, and less stress.

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But most people lack the tools to stick with those habits

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long enough to see results.

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That is about to change.

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Welcome to Unshakable Habits with your host, Stephen Box.

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It's time to take your habits from unsustainable to unshakable.

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Welcome back.

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I am your host, Stephen Box.

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This is episode number 69 of the Unshakable Habits podcast.

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And today we're talking all about how to say no without sounding

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like a jerk, without disappointing people, without letting them down.

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And this is something I told you guys yesterday I had to learn to do and

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it was such a game changer for me for taking back control of my time.

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So and being able to focus on the things I wanted to do.

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And just to share a quick story with you of why this is so important.

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A few years ago, I had someone reach out to me.

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And this is someone I have a lot of respect for.

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They had a program that they were putting out and they were looking for reviewers.

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And they even put in the email, If you don't have time

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for this, totally no worries.

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Don't worry about it.

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No pressure whatsoever.

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But yet and still, I felt man, a lot of respect for this person.

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I want to help them.

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I'm gonna say yes, even though I had a lot of other things going

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on at the time and I really didn't have room on my plate for it.

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But I said yes anyways, and I ended up not really giving that project my best.

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Now the person has never said anything to me about it.

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We're still friendly with each other.

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I don't know if it had any negative impact on our relationship or not, I know

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they've never asked me to do anything else since then, but at the end of the

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day, I know that I didn't give my best, and that bothers me, and really, I

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learned from that experience that a lot of times we feel like we have to say yes

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to things, but if we're always saying yes, even when we should be saying no, It

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actually has the opposite impact, right?

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Not only takes away our time and our freedom to be able to

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do the things we want to do.

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But a lot of times it prevents us from showing up the way we actually want to

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show for those people that we're saying yes to and I don't know about you, but for

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me, that's not something I wanted to do.

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So that is what today's episode is going to be about.

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I'm going to give you three strategies that you'll actually be able to use

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in order to start saying no to people without coming across as a jerk or

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without seeming self centered or offending anybody or any other things

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that might be going through your head.

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When you think about what's going to happen when I tell this person no.

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Let's start off by talking about why is it so hard for us to say no?

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according to the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, evolutionary psychology

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theory says that we say yes because it is built into us through evolution.

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Packed animals that cooperate survive better.

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Now, I don't think you have to be a psychology major to

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understand this concept, right?

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There is safety in numbers.

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If you do things to upset the rest of the tribe and you are on

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your own, you might be in trouble.

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Now, of course, today we don't necessarily have that concern, right?

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A lot of us might consider ourselves introverts and not want to be around

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people as much, but, there was a time where your survival really was dependent

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upon your tribe, the people around you, and you didn't want to offend them.

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And I think those things, I don't know if evolution is the right word, but

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they are behaviors and attitudes that I definitely believe have been passed

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down to us through the generations.

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And so for a lot of us, that is just a built in thing that we're taught

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really when And if we're gonna say no, We need to be comfortable knowing that

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we're not going to leave people with that bad taste in their mouth, right?

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But here's the thing if right now if you're struggling to say no It's

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not just about a fear of upsetting people or getting ostracized from

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the tribe or any of that stuff.

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There are real world consequences to this.

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Probably putting way too much on your plate.

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You're not able to prioritize the things that are really important to you because

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you've got so many other things to do.

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And a lot of times, We will prioritize things that we've promised to other

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people because our outward perception is more important to us than our

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inward perception a lot of times.

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So we will prioritize what we told other people we would do over

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what we know we need to do, right?

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So we'll skip workouts.

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We'll go and eat unhealthy meals.

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We'll stay up late to fulfill a promise that we made to somebody else, right?

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We're neglecting our health.

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We will put in overtime.

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We'll take work home with us.

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We'll check emails or listening on calls on our days off instead of being

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connected and focused on family time.

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And these are just a few of the examples of things that we routinely do when we

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get in the habit of always saying yes to everything and not knowing how to say no.

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And then as I mentioned in my personal story, the other thing

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we do is we don't show up, right?

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And you either end up breaking promises to people, bailing

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out on people, ghosting them.

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You ghost yourself, or you do show up and you try to push through, but you

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don't perform at your peak levels.

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And I don't think any of us honestly want that, right?

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I don't think anybody out there is saying, yes, that is exactly

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what I want to be able to do.

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So

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I'm going to give you three simple steps that you can start to do, and I'm going to

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give you some examples of how to do them.

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But, before I jump into those, one very important thing that

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I want to cover up front here.

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It's very important the way we phrase these.

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We need to make sure that we are doing these things in a very positive way.

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A lot of times, and this was my mistake early on when I was learning to say

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no, you might just bluntly put it out there and it might come across as rude.

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Now, maybe you're not like me.

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Maybe you will already try to think of the best way to say it,

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the most positive way to say it.

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But I will also tell you, and you're going to learn this in one of the tips, A lot

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of us actually are making a big mistake.

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When we're trying to be nice, and we're trying to let people

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down easy, and we're trying to be positive, we actually do something.

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So that's going to actually be included in these tips.

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So let's jump into it.

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Here are the three important things that you need to remember.

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The three steps.

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Number one, don't just say no.

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Give them a reason.

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Number two, show that you understand why it's important to them.

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And number three, guide them to a different but helpful solution.

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Alright, so we're going to go through these individually.

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I just wanted to give you the list up front.

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So number one, don't just say no.

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Give them a reason.

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Here's why this is important.

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Whenever you give someone a very specific reason for doing something,

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they see your perspective and they know you're not just saying no to say no.

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They know there's actually a legitimate reason for you to say no.

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So it makes the rejection feel less personal.

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And I'm going to give you some specific examples, but I want to just go through

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and define each of these three first.

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So number two, show that you understand why it's important to them.

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All right, so now we've told them, we're giving them a reason why

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we're saying no, why it's important to us to say no, but we also need

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to make sure that they understand we see their point of view, right?

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So anytime we can acknowledge the importance of what somebody else has

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going on and show empathy towards them is going to make them feel better

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about the fact that you're saying no.

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Because again, they don't feel like you're just blowing them off or that

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you're just making an excuse not to do it.

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They're like, hey, this person actually does understand what I got going on.

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Because if someone's asking you for something, it's obviously

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important to them, right?

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And then number three, guide them to a different helpful solution.

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So again, this is all about making it as convenient for them as possible.

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So who else can they add?

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What tools or resources might you actually have available

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that you can share with them?

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So these are all things to look at.

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Now a couple things I want to just throw real quick before

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I give you these examples.

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So number one is make sure that you're using positive language.

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I already mentioned that one.

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Which also means avoid negative phrasing, right?

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So anything that might come across as harsh or rude.

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Also, think about these things in advance.

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start thinking about how you would use these frameworks and practice them.

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And have some, standard replies that you can give to things.

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So that way you're not just trying to come up with stuff off the top of your head

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because there's really nothing that sounds more inauthentic than, Um, you know what?

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don't do that right?

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Alright, cool.

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Now, let's get some specific examples here to make this sound clear.

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Alright, so number one.

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is let's say that someone comes to you and asks for help with something and you

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say now this is giving them a reason.

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I really appreciate you thinking of me for this project.

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Unfortunately, I have a prior commitment that I can't reschedule.

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Now I want you to notice something very specific about the wording here.

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A lot of times this is what we do and I told you guys there's something

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that a lot of us do backwards.

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We say, Oh man, I really can't.

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But, thanks for thinking of me.

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when we do that, they're getting that negative up front just automatically,

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and it sticks with people, right?

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that instantaneous negative, but also if you just leave it there, it

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can still be negative, which we'll touch on here in a little bit, but

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I just wanted to highlight this.

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So example two, thanks for inviting me to your party.

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I have a family obligation that evening so I won't be able to make it.

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So again notice, hey thanks for inviting me, I really appreciate that.

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I have a family obligation, reason, I won't be able to make it.

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Notice I'm being very direct with these.

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All right, so let's go to number two and I'm going to show you how

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to combine all three of these.

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I'm just right now going through them individually because I want

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you to get the individual pieces.

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So number two, show that you understand why it's important to them.

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So as an example here, Hey, I understand how critical it is to have reliable

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people in your team for this event.

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It sounds like it's going to be a great opportunity.

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I'm showing empathy, I'm recognizing, hey, I understand this is going to

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be really important for you, and it sounds like it's going to be great.

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because we're going to, we're going to tell them no still, but we're

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just letting them know we understand.

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Or say you're going to maybe refer someone else, you might say, I see

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why you need help with this, it's a significant project, and having

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someone experienced is crucial.

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And then number three is guide them to a different but helpful solution.

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So the example, I can't assist with this report, but I recommend you ask Jenna.

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She has a lot of experience with this type of analysis.

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Or hey, I'm not available to help you move this weekend, but I know a

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great moving service I can recommend.

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They did a fantastic job for me on our last move.

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So do you see now three components of what this looks like?

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So let's combine it.

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Let's actually see what this would look like if I were to put all three together.

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So let's say a colleague asks you to help with a project.

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You might say, Thank you for considering me for this project.

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Again, starting with the positive.

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Unfortunately, I have a deadline for another major assignment.

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Reason that I need to focus on.

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I understand how important it is to have an experienced

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team member on this project.

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Empathy, Understanding, I recommend reaching out to Alex.

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They have a strong background in this area and might be able to help.

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Sending them to a resource.

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Okay, let's look at another example.

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Someone asked you to volunteer for a charity event.

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Hey, I appreciate you thanking me for this charity event.

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Unfortunately, I have already committed to another volunteer activity on that day.

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I understand how crucial it is to have dedicated volunteers

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for such a meaningful cause.

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If you have any promotional materials, I'll be happy to share them on

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my social media to help spread the word and get more volunteers.

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So again, notice what we're doing here.

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We're starting with the positive.

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We're acknowledging an appreciation for them asking us.

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We're giving them our reason why we have to say no.

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Then we're showing some empathy and compassion.

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We show that we understand why it is important to them.

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And then we offer to be helpful.

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We're And if you just take those three simple steps and you utilize those, I

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promise you that not only will people not think that you're a jerk, not only will

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people not think you're selfish, not only will they not be let down or disappointed

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in you, they will actually really appreciate you and they will respect

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your ability to set healthy boundaries.

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Now, if you found today's episode helpful, there will be a link in the show notes

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for a free PDF download where you can go and see more examples that you can use

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when it comes to learning how to say no.

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And if you're ready to take the next step in building the habits that are going

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to help you take back control of your time, you can go to unshakablehabits.

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com and book a free roadmap call with me.

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And I'll be happy to discuss with you to see exactly how

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we can help you to do that.

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Now, just a quick note for you tomorrow, you're going to want to definitely

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tune in for our next episode, because I'm going to be talking about.

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What fitness really should look like in your life when you're already overwhelmed?

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And with that, I want to remind you as always, that while none of us are born

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unshakable, we can all become unshakable.