The Underlying Reason You Don't Have Peace in Your Relationships with Christine Jewell

Stephen Box: 00:00:00

Welcome to Unshakable Habits.

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I am your host, Stephen Box.

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And this week we are talking all about balancing your life.

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So if you are someone who is constantly overwhelmed, feels like

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you can never get caught up, you're always behind no matter how hard

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you work, This is the week for you.

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so day one, we introduced this topic day two, yesterday, we actually talked

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about how this impacts your career and the importance of really getting

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clear on what those priorities are.

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And if you did not listen to yesterday's episode, make sure you go back and

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listen to it because Christine gave us a.

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powerful exercise at the end of the episode that if you go back

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and do it, I promise you it will have an impact on your life.

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if this is your first episode that you're hearing this week, I am joined this week

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by Christine Jewell, author of Drop the Armor and a faith based executive coach.

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so Christine, welcome back to the podcast.

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I'm excited today.

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We're going to talk about relationships.

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and you dropped a little hint on this yesterday.

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The problem we're going to talk about today is putting everybody else first.

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And I know when people hear that, they go, what else am I supposed to do?

Christine Jewell: 00:01:18

I think the problem that we really want to address probably that

Christine Jewell: 00:01:20

we, as I think about it more, it's really like resentment, we have this secret.

Christine Jewell: 00:01:25

Seething resentment that we really don't want to admit towards our

Christine Jewell: 00:01:29

spouse, maybe even our kids.

Christine Jewell: 00:01:31

Sometimes it's like all the things, And then we're like, also coupled with guilt.

Christine Jewell: 00:01:36

Like I should be happy.

Christine Jewell: 00:01:37

I have a wife and I, or a husband and I have kids, but like, And You just

Christine Jewell: 00:01:43

always feel like leftovers, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:01:45

And so whatever this, the sound of that is, but I hear that a lot.

Christine Jewell: 00:01:49

I just feel like I'm always last.

Christine Jewell: 00:01:51

Like everybody else is first, I'm like behind the kids.

Christine Jewell: 00:01:54

I'm at the bottom, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:01:56

And maybe I'll get some leftovers.

Christine Jewell: 00:01:59

And if you do take care of yourself, you feel guilty about it.

Christine Jewell: 00:02:02

Or maybe you hear about it.

Stephen Box: 00:02:04

Yeah.

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it's interesting because you never hear people say, I put everybody else first.

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That's not the complaint, right?

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The complaint is always I put everybody else first and no one appreciates it.

Christine Jewell: 00:02:16

I feel unappreciated.

Christine Jewell: 00:02:17

I feel disrespected, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:02:20

My wife doesn't respect me.

Christine Jewell: 00:02:21

My husband doesn't respect me.

Christine Jewell: 00:02:23

My kids don't respect me.

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Yeah, I'm not seen, I'm not heard.

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So where does this come from?

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Like why do we have this resentment in the first place?

Christine Jewell: 00:02:33

resentment is so interesting because resentment builds

Christine Jewell: 00:02:36

up when we feel like we're over giving and there's an imbalance, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:02:41

Of now I'm giving and I'm pouring in and now you're not giving back.

Christine Jewell: 00:02:46

So I want to say this right away.

Christine Jewell: 00:02:48

it comes out of a broken system because now we're already

Christine Jewell: 00:02:51

in a system of transaction.

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I give to you, you're supposed to give to me.

Christine Jewell: 00:02:56

that would make sense, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:02:57

Like we're in a marriage, of course it's 50 50, but we know marriage is not 50 50.

Christine Jewell: 00:03:02

It's a hundred percent.

Christine Jewell: 00:03:03

So really again, I'm all about the challenge and invitation, but I want

Christine Jewell: 00:03:07

to challenge The listeners, even who maybe have been feeling that way

Christine Jewell: 00:03:11

to really think, wow, have I really been on consciously transacting

Christine Jewell: 00:03:15

with my people where I've been giving in order to get something?

Christine Jewell: 00:03:19

if I just give enough, then I can earn my time at the gym.

Christine Jewell: 00:03:22

If I just give enough, then he'll pay attention to me.

Christine Jewell: 00:03:25

If I just give them, they'll love me because at the root, it's already a broken

Christine Jewell: 00:03:29

system instead of saying, I'm somebody who gives from a place of Overflow,

Christine Jewell: 00:03:34

where there's more than enough in me to give and so it doesn't matter, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:03:39

I'm giving because that's what a giver does, but I give from a full place.

Stephen Box: 00:03:43

Yeah.

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And I think some of what we've talked about the last couple

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of days ties in here, right?

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if your career is really important and you're giving a lot of energy to

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that, If you maybe had that programming growing up, teaching you that you had

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to be successful, that you had to reach certain levels of success in order to be

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liked, if those were the things that were programmed into you Then more than likely,

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you are not going to be in a position to give from a place of overflow because

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you are barely keeping up to begin with.

Christine Jewell: 00:04:17

Yeah.

Christine Jewell: 00:04:17

And I'm going to say something maybe a little challenging for people to

Christine Jewell: 00:04:20

hear, but I say this often to couples that I work with is that you guys are

Christine Jewell: 00:04:24

making each other idols because as long as you're happy and you approve of me

Christine Jewell: 00:04:29

I feel like I've done a good job and now I can go and say, where are you?

Christine Jewell: 00:04:32

I'm using you as the source.

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of my worthiness or affection.

Christine Jewell: 00:04:38

And I just want to challenge people again, using the model of Jesus.

Christine Jewell: 00:04:42

And again, this was a huge thing for me because I think, especially in a

Christine Jewell: 00:04:45

lot of religious community or a lot of the, Oh, I care about everyone.

Christine Jewell: 00:04:49

I'm an empath.

Christine Jewell: 00:04:49

I care so much about everyone else.

Christine Jewell: 00:04:51

We've been so programmed to give and give and give and serve and serve,

Christine Jewell: 00:04:54

and then you'll be loved and then you're holy and then you're worthy.

Christine Jewell: 00:04:58

When in reality, Jesus started his day connecting, hanging

Christine Jewell: 00:05:02

out in solitude, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:05:03

It was like he went to pray, he went in solitude.

Christine Jewell: 00:05:07

And so I think when we think of, who do I want to follow?

Christine Jewell: 00:05:10

Whose example do I want to follow?

Christine Jewell: 00:05:12

He served like when he was with the people, he poured into the people,

Christine Jewell: 00:05:16

but because he poured from a full place of going and connecting

Christine Jewell: 00:05:20

to the source of life, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:05:22

So that morning time of solitude, that morning time of prayer, that morning time

Christine Jewell: 00:05:27

of working out, whatever it is for you.

Christine Jewell: 00:05:29

one of the things I say is you've got to go to the well to connect before you go.

Christine Jewell: 00:05:35

pour into others.

Christine Jewell: 00:05:36

Otherwise, where are you giving it from?

Stephen Box: 00:05:39

I talk all the time about, there's five routines that

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I think are so important to have.

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A morning routine, a afternoon routine, and an evening routine, and then

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also a pre and post work routine.

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Because if you do not have those routines, it can be so hard to create

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these boundaries and to be able to give the way that you want to give because

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you're going to be distracted and things are going to bleed into each other.

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You have to be able to create some separation there.

Christine Jewell: 00:06:08

Absolutely.

Christine Jewell: 00:06:09

I agree.

Christine Jewell: 00:06:10

Having a bookend, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:06:11

are you starting the day from a full tank?

Christine Jewell: 00:06:14

And that's really it.

Christine Jewell: 00:06:15

It's and again, I believe like for me anyways, I don't want to

Christine Jewell: 00:06:19

be in transactional relationships.

Christine Jewell: 00:06:21

I don't want to be someone that is always, if I start feeling resentful

Christine Jewell: 00:06:24

about something, I know that something is off kilter because I know now that I've

Christine Jewell: 00:06:29

dropped into a transactional relationship and I'm not honoring boundaries.

Christine Jewell: 00:06:34

And so it's okay, and what I'm really protecting, I use, I talk about

Christine Jewell: 00:06:38

this concept in the book of being a warrior who is able to fiercely

Christine Jewell: 00:06:42

protect the atmosphere in your home.

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So for me, it's I.

Christine Jewell: 00:06:46

As a warrior of the heart, it's my duty to protect peace in my home or like the

Christine Jewell: 00:06:51

energy that we bring into the house.

Christine Jewell: 00:06:53

And if I'm exhausted and I'm burnt out and I'm bringing all my baggage from

Christine Jewell: 00:06:57

the last conversation I'm in, because I feel bad about somebody being upset

Christine Jewell: 00:07:01

with me for a minute, instead of saying, you know what, I got to make, Be really

Christine Jewell: 00:07:05

conscious and intentional about what I bring into my house or into my marriage.

Christine Jewell: 00:07:09

Now I'm protecting the atmosphere and I'm taking care of bringing

Christine Jewell: 00:07:12

the best version of myself, but it's even way more than that.

Christine Jewell: 00:07:16

I'm bringing love into the air, bringing peace into the air, bringing

Christine Jewell: 00:07:19

vitality or energy instead of just like I'm bringing an empty, distracted,

Christine Jewell: 00:07:25

frustrated, tired person that's going to be very reactive, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:07:31

And everybody's walking on eggshells around you.

Christine Jewell: 00:07:33

And I think so many people are in these relationships, marriages, family

Christine Jewell: 00:07:36

homes, where everybody's walking on eggshells, like nobody's really talking

Christine Jewell: 00:07:40

about what needs to be talked about.

Christine Jewell: 00:07:42

Cause everybody's worrying about hurting someone else's feelings.

Christine Jewell: 00:07:45

And we're so worried.

Christine Jewell: 00:07:46

Instead of saying, you know what, I'm here to pour into the

Christine Jewell: 00:07:49

atmosphere from a full place.

Stephen Box: 00:07:51

Yeah, it's, I think it's so important to figure out what kind

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of person do you want to be, right?

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What kind of parent do you want to be?

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What kind of spouse do you want to be, right?

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Because if you don't have that clarity, then like we talked about yesterday,

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that ability to say yes to certain things, no to certain things, and

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knowing which ones you need to say yes and no to, You can't have that.

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If you don't have that clarity on the person you actually want to be, then you

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don't know what to say yes and no to.

Christine Jewell: 00:08:19

Yeah.

Christine Jewell: 00:08:19

I love to ask the question of what is the purpose of being a parent or a spouse?

Christine Jewell: 00:08:23

I ask people that because if you don't know the purpose of

Christine Jewell: 00:08:25

something, you'll abuse it.

Christine Jewell: 00:08:28

Or you're just like, is the purpose of being a parent to be like, Oh,

Christine Jewell: 00:08:31

I'm a taxi driver and I'm like the one that needs to be at every single

Christine Jewell: 00:08:34

game and cheer everybody on and say, yeah, help them every day with

Christine Jewell: 00:08:37

homework and do everything for my kids.

Christine Jewell: 00:08:39

It was my role.

Christine Jewell: 00:08:40

to equip and empower my children to be independent thinkers.

Christine Jewell: 00:08:43

Like we all have different answers to this question, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:08:46

But I think again, it's really identifying what is my role as a wife or a lover.

Christine Jewell: 00:08:54

It's not to be my husband's coach, babysitter, mother, like all the things

Christine Jewell: 00:08:59

it's to be his wife, And, that's it.

Christine Jewell: 00:09:01

And I don't have to carry the weight of doing all the other things.

Stephen Box: 00:09:06

And I think, and please tell me if I'm wrong here, but I think.

Stephen Box: 00:09:09

So many people where they get into trouble when, especially when it

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comes to this relationship topic is they went into the relationship

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with certain expectations, right?

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Where it's I became a parent because that's what society told me to do.

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And that's what I thought I had to do, or I got married

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because that's what people do.

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And, now.

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You did it to fulfill a need for you, right?

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Or to meet an outside expectation.

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And so for someone who finds themselves in that position, how do they change that and

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really do what you're talking about here?

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And start to be that cup filler who already is having their cup

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overflowing versus someone who's just stuck in that transactional position.

Christine Jewell: 00:09:55

Yeah, I think I, I do.

Christine Jewell: 00:09:57

That's a great question.

Christine Jewell: 00:09:58

And I think a lot of us don't slow down and stop to actually

Christine Jewell: 00:10:02

ask ourselves those questions.

Christine Jewell: 00:10:03

And I, we evolve over time, we evolve over time.

Christine Jewell: 00:10:06

So pausing to say, hold on a second, for whatever reason, we got into this

Christine Jewell: 00:10:10

marriage or we had the kids or whatever, we made that decision from that level of

Christine Jewell: 00:10:14

consciousness, that level of awareness, so instead of going, Oh, why did we do this?

Christine Jewell: 00:10:19

I don't really think it's beneficial to go back.

Christine Jewell: 00:10:22

I think it's beneficial to say, what do I want to create going forward?

Christine Jewell: 00:10:26

So I'm married.

Christine Jewell: 00:10:27

What kind of marriage do you want to create going forward?

Christine Jewell: 00:10:30

What kind of relationship dynamic?

Christine Jewell: 00:10:32

Who cares why it was like that?

Christine Jewell: 00:10:34

I think that is actually a very poor question when people are asking why?

Christine Jewell: 00:10:37

I'm like, that now what you start doing is beating yourself up and

Christine Jewell: 00:10:40

you're going back into the past.

Christine Jewell: 00:10:41

It's good to get wisdom.

Christine Jewell: 00:10:43

But really, I'm a big advocate of keeping people in the present

Christine Jewell: 00:10:46

moment and in the future of what they're being called to create.

Christine Jewell: 00:10:49

So having a couple or a husband that says, you know what, wait a second.

Christine Jewell: 00:10:52

What kind of marriage do I want to have?

Christine Jewell: 00:10:54

What kind of leader do I want to be?

Christine Jewell: 00:10:57

What do I believe the purpose of marriage is?

Christine Jewell: 00:10:59

and asking yourself these questions because I'll tell you whenever I do

Christine Jewell: 00:11:03

VIP days or, work with couples and I ask them this question, What's

Christine Jewell: 00:11:06

the purpose of your marriage?

Christine Jewell: 00:11:08

They'll look at each other and what is the purpose of our marriage, like a lot

Christine Jewell: 00:11:10

of times they're waiting for the other person to answer the question instead of

Christine Jewell: 00:11:15

oh, it's to multiply each other to like, do life together and multiply everything

Christine Jewell: 00:11:20

that God gives us and support each other.

Christine Jewell: 00:11:22

And, what is that?

Christine Jewell: 00:11:23

Is it so that we're not lonely?

Christine Jewell: 00:11:25

I think it overwhelmed my gang because that was the whole overarching thing is

Christine Jewell: 00:11:29

if you're walking around on eggshells and you're putting yourself last, like you

Christine Jewell: 00:11:33

can't possibly be leading intentionally.

Stephen Box: 00:11:36

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:11:37

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:11:37

And it's marriage.

Stephen Box: 00:11:39

It's funny because something that, that kind of caught my attention as you were

Stephen Box: 00:11:42

talking about that was, If you think about the way that most marriages today

Stephen Box: 00:11:46

work, we had this shift, in the last 20, 25 years, where somehow children

Stephen Box: 00:11:51

became the center of the universe.

Stephen Box: 00:11:54

Yeah.

Stephen Box: 00:11:54

I think, yeah, it wasn't that way when I grew up, I assure you.

Stephen Box: 00:11:57

but when somewhere in the last 20, 25 years, I think this has tended to happen.

Stephen Box: 00:12:03

Now what we have is, Mom is trying to do all the stuff in the house and take

Stephen Box: 00:12:09

care of the kids and she's trying to, do things for her husband and the husband

Stephen Box: 00:12:13

is, working hard and trying to provide for the family and all this other stuff.

Stephen Box: 00:12:17

And so now everything comes back to everyone is trying to do stuff

Stephen Box: 00:12:22

for other people and it just ends up leading to this situation where,

Stephen Box: 00:12:27

like you said, Everyone's Oh man, I'm resentful of all this stuff, right?

Stephen Box: 00:12:32

Because I don't feel like I had time for me and no one's doing anything

Stephen Box: 00:12:35

for me, or at least they feel like no one's doing anything for them.

Christine Jewell: 00:12:37

Yeah, and I gotta say, you, because you're exactly right.

Christine Jewell: 00:12:40

We make the children the center of the ecosystem instead of bringing

Christine Jewell: 00:12:44

the children into an ecosystem.

Christine Jewell: 00:12:46

I always used to say that to my kids.

Christine Jewell: 00:12:48

I love you all.

Christine Jewell: 00:12:49

You're all my favorite at the age that you're at and you're all my

Christine Jewell: 00:12:53

favorite in your own unique way, but you are part of the whole.

Christine Jewell: 00:12:57

The whole does not revolve around you.

Christine Jewell: 00:13:00

And they didn't like that message sometimes growing up where they

Christine Jewell: 00:13:03

would go to other friends houses and it was like, where the whole

Christine Jewell: 00:13:06

orbit would go around this kid.

Christine Jewell: 00:13:07

And I will ask people too, who runs your household?

Christine Jewell: 00:13:10

And they're like, my eight year old.

Christine Jewell: 00:13:12

And again, I think we've just developed this habit.

Christine Jewell: 00:13:15

And again, it's an unintentional habit.

Christine Jewell: 00:13:18

It's an unconscious habit instead of being intentional.

Christine Jewell: 00:13:22

And that's why I come back to asking ourselves the question often, and this

Christine Jewell: 00:13:25

is actually a habit that Mark and I, my husband and I have, which is like

Christine Jewell: 00:13:28

doing a weekly check in with each other.

Christine Jewell: 00:13:30

Like, how are we doing in our relationship and in our leading of the family together?

Christine Jewell: 00:13:36

Yeah, And what do we get to do better this week?

Christine Jewell: 00:13:39

And sometimes we have to remind ourselves, we also have an eight year old and,

Christine Jewell: 00:13:43

it's like, Everett, you get to wait.

Christine Jewell: 00:13:47

You don't, you're not number one all the time.

Christine Jewell: 00:13:50

You're number one sometimes, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:13:53

And you are a part of the ecosystem.

Stephen Box: 00:13:56

And you know what?

Stephen Box: 00:13:57

At the end of the day, you are teaching your eight year old patience.

Stephen Box: 00:14:02

You're teaching your eight year old that sometimes it's okay to prioritize yourself

Stephen Box: 00:14:09

or to prioritize your marriage, right?

Stephen Box: 00:14:11

Because now they're gonna do what they're gonna do in a marriage.

Stephen Box: 00:14:13

They're gonna say, It's okay to prioritize myself and my partner.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:16

Exactly.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:17

And the kids know that there is a hierarchy.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:19

There is an order.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:20

we are, we go for our walk around the block.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:23

We have the quiet time in the morning.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:25

And it's That's it.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:26

And then they also can't get in there and start to divide you.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:29

I know kids will test you, but again, you've got to get

Christine Jewell: 00:14:33

clear on what are we creating?

Christine Jewell: 00:14:35

What is our MO around here, Of how we're gonna be operating and you've

Christine Jewell: 00:14:40

got to fill yourself up first.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:42

Like you can't lead your family if you're not being led from somewhere.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:45

Who's leading you?

Christine Jewell: 00:14:47

For me, it's like I led by the Lord so that I can lead people from this place.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:51

I don't think like I'm going out into the wilderness by

Christine Jewell: 00:14:54

myself, like he's gone before me.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:56

And so that was another big lesson.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:57

I just want to throw that in as we wrap this session.

Christine Jewell: 00:14:59

But is if you want to stop feeling like leftovers, you stop, have to stop

Christine Jewell: 00:15:06

having this idea that when everything else is taken care of, then I can

Christine Jewell: 00:15:10

strengthen myself, nourish myself or whatever, because if you've been called.

Christine Jewell: 00:15:14

To lead, you need to be equipped, nourished, right?

Christine Jewell: 00:15:18

Like you've got to, you're there for your people for sure.

Christine Jewell: 00:15:22

But it's are you, do you have the capacity to lead well?

Stephen Box: 00:15:26

Yeah, I was gonna ask you for a final thought, but

Stephen Box: 00:15:28

I think you just gave it to me,

Christine Jewell: 00:15:29

There you go.

Stephen Box: 00:15:31

and you know what, that is a perfect tie into tomorrow's,

Stephen Box: 00:15:34

topic, which is gonna be health.

Stephen Box: 00:15:36

so make sure y'all tune back in tomorrow for the wrap up here as we

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get into that third and final area.

Stephen Box: 00:15:43

that a lot of us are neglecting.

Stephen Box: 00:15:45

And with that, I will just remind everyone that while none of us are born

Stephen Box: 00:15:48

unshakable, we can all become unshakable because being unshakable is a choice.